Little Gestures and a Regret

You are the kind of person that doesn't like physical interaction.

I noticed this when we first got to know each other. There was a bug on your shoulder and i tried to shrug it off, but you swatted my hand in annoyance. I was shocked, for i think the reaction was unnecessary. But it made me be more careful from then. It was just one of the things that made you you.

But then, as we spend more time together, i noticed another thing. The little gestures you made for me. The little gestures that might have been missed by another person, but not myself. The little gestures that i always noticed and gave me thrills, but also confusion.

Like that time when we went to an art exhibition. I was standing in front of one of the artwork in astonishment (i might have zoned out a little too long) and suddenly you put your hand in front of my eyes, snapping me from my train of thoughts, and told me to stop thinking about it too much.

After that we were tired and i sat in front of you on the stair steps. I scanned the room around us, and when my eyes ended up on you, you were already staring at me and i noticed just how caught of guard you were, but you played it cool and asked me about where should we go next.

Or that time when we were attending a daily gathering with the seniors. I sat in front of you among all of our friends. It was cold and i had my hoodie on top of my head. But then, you always pull it off! God. I gave up wearing the hoodie then. After the gathering finished, we walked home together and suddenly you put my hoodie on my head again. It was warmer than it should be.

Or that time, (almost) everytime, we walked together on the streets. When you walked behind me my bags always felt so heavy and i finally found the reason which was you tugging on it. You always held on to my bag or my drawing tube whenever we walked together. I never knew the reason. What a child you are.

I remembered scolding you for all those things you did to me. But to tell you the truth, i was happy. And it just got harder and harder to hold my smile everytime you do all those things to me. I knew they were as close as our physical interaction would be. And i liked them.

But you know, in life we made mistakes, and that is exactly what i did just now. All of my perception about you not liking physical contact was reset when i saw you with her. A playful girl that everyone knew for her childishness, and perhaps her cheerfulness.

I saw you from afar, tugging on her bag.

Both of you were laughing.

I approached you both and then i knew she was playing around with you by stealing your phone. After that you were chasing and tugging on each other to get your phone back.

And again i noticed another thing.

Your hands around her wrist. Pulling her so playfully. Your fingers around her neck, stomach, a form of effort to make her feel ticklish, which ended up in vain.

I went home with hazy head after that.

Ah. So many physical contact. Which i never thought would be done by you. And here i thought all the things that we did were the furthest form of contact you'd make with anyone.

It was my fault for feeling special with the little gestures.

My bags were light with no one tugging on it that evening, and my heart never felt heavier.